CATS & COMPUTERS Access Control How to keep the dogs out of the cat food and how to keep the cats out of the human food Access Denied Doors & windows closed Active X The kitten that is screaming around the room at such as pace that you are unable to make a quick identification Aliases Your registered name vs. your everyday name Backup The art of taking another cat with you when you go to beat up on the dog BIOS (Basic Instincts Of Survival) A very important course to be learned by kittens, skills to be mastered include the rules of Microsoft, reading the menu and what to do in Relaxed Armchair Mode (RAM) and Random Operating Mode (ROM) Bold That stage of kittenhood when you just have to explore what lies beyond your bedroom door Booted A process that follows C- mail and Cursor, usually accompanied by flying footwear Briefcase A perfect nap spot, which must be prepared by clawing up papers CAD Cat aided design, a cat's assistance in any painting project, followed by printing throughout the house Click The sound made by the fridge door opening, at this point it is important to check what is available to eat C-mail The precursor of e-mail (why do you think cats sit on back fences and yell) Compress A term used to describe a rather over-endowed relative of your humans squeezing you to their chest Config.sys The confusion that arises when your companion cat has kittens and your visits are suddenly no longer welcome Cookies This can have two meanings. #1 is those diet/health kibble owners try to convince you are good for your health. #2 is for those cats whose humans have gushing relatives visiting, the cookie term either involves the shift/scoot process or the compress Crash An event usually preceded by the Hang and followed by the Run Cursor A human's response to C-mail Cut The art of using your nails to open the bag of new catfood (despite having a perfectly good open bag available) Device The problem a cat has when it is addicted to catnip Details All you see of kittens when they are busy at the milkbar Disabling The process of falling asleep on your human when they are reading the newspaper, effectively rendering them unable to turn the page, get up or shift position for fear of disturbing you Disc Drive The art of spinning your saucer to get the very last morsel of food out to indicate to your owners that you need a refill Display The art of lying in a strategic position, letting is all hang out … that humans find irresistible DOS (stands for Dogs OutSide) A good place for them, as any cat would agree Double Click The sound made by your humans opening and closing the fridge quickly, this usually means there is something really good that they don’t want you to have and it is up to you to find out what that could be Download A process similar to Output (a term used by rude cats) Drag & drop Process whereby a dead mouse arrives in the middle of the dining room carpet Drivers The humans who take you to and from shows/vets Eject A process that occurs after Shift and scoot haven't worked and you find yourself sitting on the floor instead of in a chair Embedding Claw technique used to test software Escape What you do when the humans leave a window open or try to open a door FAQ To a Ragdoll these can be most annoying.  Things like … "What cat is that? What does it eat? How big does it get?" File Not Found A cat's response to "Get off the table!", "Leave that alone", "Stop scratching the furniture" Floppy Discs Why cats can pose in those extraordinary positions Function If we had a useful function, apart from being lap warmers, we would be dogs Got Focus The process of watching that last morsel on your human’s plate and wondering whether they will give it to you Hang What happens when you climb curtains and get your claws caught Hardware Tough surface such as scratchposts for sharpening claws, only to be used if humans are watching High Contrast A white cat playing with coal or a black cat playing with flour (paint does just as well but tends to be a bit messier to get off) Input/Output The process whereby nutritious food goes in one end and is disposed of by the other end Insert The art of adding another kitten/cat into an already full household Internet The fact that all cats are related, an international family network IRQ (Interrupt ReQuest) The process of interfering in whatever your humans are doing until they attend to your needs Italics What humans talk in when they find that you disposed of your breakfast and that annoying hairball in the middle of their Persian rug Joystick A cats tail, used as a mood indicator Jumpers Cats who hide on top of cupboards and leap onto unsuspecting shoulders (bare shoulders produce the best results) Lost Focus What happens when you realise that last morsel is the garnish Macintosh A good name for a Scottish Turkish Van Master/Slave Cat/Human relationships Maximise What humans try to do to you by feeding you table scraps and snacks Menu A list of all the cat foods, both kibble and canned, available in the stores that your owner should keep pinned to the fridge to assist you in selecting your daily requirements Microsoft A unit used to measure the comfort level of beds, laps, etc. Minimise What humans try to do to you by feeding you diet food Motherboard A state of mind that sets in after 3 weeks of kitten raising Mouse The catnip variety Mousepad What will happen to your house if you bring in live mice Optical Mouse The real kind that you view with your own eyes Pirate A terms used to describe a cat who despite the best of breeding refuses to conform with breed standards Plug & Play That wonderful purring sound that comes after a kitten has found Mom's full teat Printing The art of placing paw prints on clean washing or car windows Programming What a kitten has to do to a new owner before they are fit to live with.   This should include areas such as food, treats, beds, etc. Prompt Similar to the above but involves the use of claws RAM (Relaxed Armchair Mode) The position you assume to watch TV with the humans Read Only A process whereby the strongest tom in the neighbourhood marks his territory and all lesser cats had better not even think of doing the same Recycle Bin Humans call them dogs, used for disposal of unwanted cat food Registry The place that keeps details of our parents and grandparents ROM (Random Operating Mode) This usually occurs when the humans are not paying any attention to you. In this mode scratch on valuable antiques, yell to be let in and then yell to be let out, leap around aimlessly … all are considered acceptable Remote Administration Using mental telepathy and filthy looks to train your humans Run Something that every intelligent cat should do when food is being offered Scanner The cat that sits Screensaver The art of walking between the human and the computer screen.  This saves your human looking at the boring computer screen and ensures they look at you instead Security That warm snugly feeling when your human gathers you in their arms and tells you YOU are the best cat in the world Shift A rude term used by humans to get you to move off your (their) chair Signature That distinctive shaggy look that all your carpets and furniture should display Software Delicate surfaces, i.e. lace or silk, suitable for sharpening claws humans are not watching Sticky Keys What results when you drag your butt on the keyboard System Cleanup Why a cat must have grass in their diet Technical Assistance/Help Desk A fancy term used so we don't suspect we are being taken to the VET! Template What the breed standard says you should have, what you didn't get This program has committed an illegal operation and will now be shut down The state you go into when your human tries to con you by putting medication in your food.  Much sulking and refusal to co-operate with even the most basic requests should accompany this Timeout Something that goes with Booting, involving flying alarm clocks Tools Claws, teeth, purring, anything that helps you dominate your home Trojan That one kitten in the litter that makes you query its parentage Upgrade Changing to a premium brand of catfood or moving on to adult food Windows Explorer A kitten climbing the curtains, often followed by the Hang Compiled by Pie & Skye Ruth Hine, South Africa (c)2002